Dear Fibromyalgia

Year: 2022

“Pulling yourself up by your bootstraps”: struggling with fibromyalgia

” Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety”, Woody Allen

Anxiety is the root cause of fibromyalgia, particularly at an early age, or even in the womb. So, how is one to overcome the early stages of this deep-seated emotional characteristic that those of us with fibromyalgia struggle with on a day-to-day basis?

Even more significant: how do we explain to others that the challenges of life-long anxiety cannot be overcome by those who lack empathy or compassion who suggest we just get on with life and stop complaining? It would seem as though I begin each new blog with a series of questions that aren’t easily answered.

It is fear that triggers the amygdala to release neurotransmitters. In turn, the hypothalamus dumps adrenaline which causes elevated heart rate, flushing, shallow breathing, and other physiological symptoms. Fear and anxiety are two sides of the same coin.

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I can trace my early anxieties/ fear to anxious parenting, Catholic nuns who terrified me with thoughts of hell, a crisis of moving from a large city to a small town as an adolescent, and a 17-year-old who like others of the day, was used as a source of free labor in a diploma based nursing school, nursing in general, an early bad marriage, three C sections, a divorce, completing a Ph.D. as a single parent, being stalked, remarriage with a blended family of five teenagers, caring for elderly parents, and finally, a heart attack, followed by a hip replacement.

Now, of course, aging has reared its challenging head. Each new crisis, no matter the seriousness, triggers the amygdala. One might look at this list and believe it is not as horrific as the life of those who suffer greater atrocities. Nonetheless, there are two kinds of people- those who thrive in acute stress situations and those who don’t. I am of the latter kind of person, born as a highly sensitive person.

Beginning life as a high-energy person I am no longer that same woman. While age is certainly a factor I have not survived those life events as one who has much resilience to spare. Now, while I am fortunate with my wonderful, caregiving spouse, financially secure, and proud of the adult children and grandchildren, I still suffer from chronic fatigue and pain.

More than that I have general free-floating anxieties which are often unexplained. I am quick to fearfulness, and the glass is often half empty. I meditate, although not as consistently as I should and could. I ride my exercise bike regularly. I have regular massages and great friends.

However, I am very self-conscious about even mentioning any ailments to many, and specifically to a certain friend who suffers from what I call “boot-strap-ism”. She believes one should just get on with life and that aging is not a state of gloom and doom, mentioning old star performers as an example of embracing old age.

Perhaps I too should do the same, uncurl those bootstraps. After all, the alternative to old age is not all that desirable! I do try, but then a flare-up occurs, often for no reason that I can identify and I simply cannot pull myself away from anxiety. In all consciousness, I cannot feel sorry for myself. I am a privileged woman. I have not suffered the ravages of war, racism, extreme poverty, or homophobia.

As young women, we are trained for fear, but many of us become strong, fearless, resilient women as we age. Others struggle with a hyper-aroused central nervous system that produces a highly vigilant woman (or man) who is overly empathetic and lives with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, and PTSD. We can’t judge another’s fears and anxieties. We can never know the struggles someone else goes through. We might think we do but never can. So, self-compassion is paramount, rather than self-criticism.

Now a new season is emerging. Storms, hurricanes, earthquakes, unsettling political climates, and threats of nuclear wars have most of us in a tizzy and a state of permanent anxiety. Shall those of us in a more calm country with so far none of the ravages of hurricanes and other current climate disasters (excepting for the fires on the west coast of Canada) relish in the beauty of the autumn leaves? I don’t know if the cup is half empty or half full. My bootstraps are tangled and it isn’t easy to lift myself up too high.

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06/21/2022
Letting go: How to live with Fibromyalgia

” To let go is to release the images and emotions, the grudges and fears, the clingings and disappointments of the past that bind our spirit”, Jack Kornfield

In the newspaper today there is an editorial written by Jane Brody titled “More specialists explore treating pain without drugs” (The Globe and Mail, L5, September 15, 2017). She cites the conditions that drug-free options for pain can help with, such as fibromyalgia, news of which was published last year by Richard L. Nahin in the Mayo Clinic Proceedings.

Some of the tools that the research has shown to be effective (for such conditions as backache) are massage therapy, chiropractic manipulation, superficial heat, mindfulness meditation, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and yoga. They are among the many strategies I have tried at one point in my long journey, accompanied every day with fibromyalgia.

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Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is intended to help people restructure their thoughts and let go. It has shown to be effective in changing the brain, although it cannot be said at this point to be highly evidence-based.

Of late I have used a small book that is intended for the same purposes. It is based upon the principle of “Logosynthesis”, a strategy to help those of us with chronic anxiety, which often leads to fibromyalgia. It is somewhat of a self-help book but based upon the premise that the brain is elastic and can change (neuroplasticity) by using a few key phrases.

While all of these approaches, such as ‘walking mindfulness’, yoga, Chi Gong, and Tai Chi, among a host of others may seem airy-fairy to some, they are not, in fact, simply feel-good strategies. Mild exercise of any sort immediately changes the neuropathways of the brain and replaces by movement thoughts that create angst, pain, and fatigue.

While logo synthesis is one mechanism that a person can employ, there are countless others that require discipline to let go of the trauma that was long ago created which resulted in a hyper-aroused central nervous system. Choosing one or more that fit your lifestyle helps to become the mistress of our own fate. Massive amounts of drugs that seem to proliferate on the shelves of those suffering from fibromyalgia are not the answer.

The strategies that do not cost anything are mindfulness, walking, Chi Gong, Tai Chi, CBT, and logosynthesis. Others which are comforting to those who do ‘body work’, such as chiropractic therapy, massage, and physiotherapy can be expensive and are not intended to directly change the brain, although they do have the benefit of relaxation. We must do what we can to heal ourselves from past trauma thoughts which resulted in anxiety and stress. We have to train ourselves to LET GO.

The news today is that Lady Gaga is hospitalized and has canceled performances because of fibromyalgia. We can all commiserate with her during this intense flare-up. More troubling is the fact that the kind of high-stress profession she is involved with does not allow much time for attention to the discipline required to calm the CNS, the culprit in fibromyalgia.

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06/20/2022
Fibromyalgia: Healing yourself

” What I want for my fans and for the world, for anyone who feels pain, is to lean into that pain and embrace it as much as they can and begin the healing process”, Lady Gaga

There has rarely been such public awareness of fibromyalgia as there is now that Lady Gaga has become public about her own suffering. While there are thousands of those of us who suffer from the debilitating pain and fatigue of this syndrome, many still believe it is malingering.

Unfortunately, it takes a public figure to allow the disbeliever to at least entertain the possibility that this condition, not a disease, but a dis-ease, is real. I am not a fan of pop stars and have not even seen Lady Gaga perform. In fact, I know little about her, but why does it take a widely known singer to convince the public that those of us with highly sensitive, over-stimulated central nervous systems live in a world encompassed by pain and a multitude of other ‘symptoms’?

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We live in a world of the constant bombardment of our senses. All of us have experienced past trauma of some sort. Many can easily move on while others continue to take more chaos into our very being. Watching TV news, reading a newspaper, or internet news only heightens the sense of danger we feel for ourselves and others. It is rampant about death and tragedy and those of us with FMS and CFS have systems that can no longer absorb more trauma.

We can be called whiners, complainers, and acting victims but the reality is our pain is real. It is the result of prolonged anxiety such that the mind closes down and the body takes over. Generally, it stems from childhood trauma which could be abusive or unloving, but not necessarily so. It could also be the result of being extremely hypersensitive and traumas, not necessarily from childhood, have exacerbated our central nervous systems to a point of no return. The emotional trauma leads to real physical trauma.

What is to be done? Our minds need stillness, calm and quiet to heal our bodies. Living in the moment with compassion for our injured selves allows us to begin the healing process. I am struck today, September 22, 2017, by the cover picture and story in the Globe and Mail about the UN International Day of Peace. Ottawa citizens took part in mindfulness meditation for peace on Parliament Hill, led by Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn with nearly 1,000 people participating.

Instead of reading about a blustering threat of killing an entire nation, earthquakes, flooding, hurricanes, hate crimes, fascism, Nazi groups, and race and gender injustices that add further psychic pain to our already over-burdened brain, I could see some semblance of hope. There IS some! But, for our own demons peace has to come from within. Medications, talk therapy, and support groups can help but we have to become experts in our own minds. We have to heal ourselves.

There is no cure for an already overburdened central nervous system, but we can learn to treat that anxious mind by being at peace living in the moment, finding comfort in perhaps odd ways that are unique to us, and living with joy that may be fleeting, but is there to call on when we need it. I have a piece of fabric that makes me smile when I look at it.

I imagine it is me looking in a mirror, trying to see into my brain all the garbled thoughts that make me anxious. I can “lean into it” as Lady Gaga suggests and sigh at that mind that hangs on to past trauma. What a fiasco… you gotta’ laugh…

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06/19/2022
Fibromyalgia: pink palms, smooth feet

” The biology of pain is never straightforward, even when it appears to be”, Lorimer Moseley

I thought I knew it all: fibromyalgia is a constant hyper-arousal of the central nervous system and all the symptoms that evolve from that disorder. But recently I met with an internist who held my hand’s palms upward and told me she would have known I had fibromyalgia just by looking at my palms which are pink! I have pink palms, which is a sign of fibromyalgia and its impact on ‘my nerves. She also commented on my pink cheeks. I was stunned. This was new to me, that this is often a sign of fibromyalgia.

So back to google again to find out more about this phenomenon. My hands ache and will hurt more as the weather becomes colder, of that I have no doubt. They ached during the heat of the summer. I have to remember to keep moving and get up when my desire is to curl up on the sofa. I rub my hands constantly with cannabis cream.

I also have a carpal tunnel in both arms and hands that keeps me awake at night. Worse is that I know surgery for a carpel will reactivate my central nervous system and I will have massive flare-ups post-surgery. I don’t know why I never noticed that my palms and the back of my fingers were very pink! I did notice that my feet were unusually soft and smooth and hurt as much as my hands.

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My hands and feet ache especially when there is a weather change. The skin of the hands and feet are noticeably red in many with fibromyalgia according to the researcher Dr. Frank Rice in his study published in Pain Medicine in August 2013. The source of my blog is taken from the internet- Bottomline Inc. Very basically the research team’s theory is based upon the physiology of how some blood flows directly from arteries into veins via arteriole-venule (AV) shunts.

These valves are open and close to control the passage of blood and respond to cues from the nervous system in order to regulate body temperature. “The parts of the body where AV shunts are most plentiful are the cheeks, nose, soles of the feet and palms of the hands”. It is thought that if the shunts are unable to function well because of excessive nerve fibers the mismanaged blood flow could be the source of widespread muscle pain. In the study they found that the” AV shunts were four times larger and had roughly two to eight times as many nerve fibers as those in women without fibromyalgia”, using various technologies as measurement tools.

Dr. Rice writes: ” The AV shunts are sites where sensory nerve fibers are intermingled with nerve fibers of the sympathetic nervous system, which is activated by stress.” Aha! This feeds into my view that those of us with fibromyalgia who suffered from childhood trauma were and are highly sensitive children/adults, resulting finally in the central nervous system developing a state of constant hyper-arousal, easily activated by stress/ anxiety, even something as seemingly innocuous as weather changes. So, let me be clear. I don’t think these nerve endings – or too many nerve fibers are the CAUSE, rather they are the RESULT.

It seems to make perfect sense to me. My cheeks have always been very red and the soles of my feet so pink and tender that people who gave me pedicures, or massage therapists exclaimed they had never seen such smooth feet before. In fact, though, they are tender and I cannot wear sandals as my tender feet burn painfully upon contact with the soles of shoes.

I have watched when others have their feet “sandpapered” as they have pedicures, and winced as I could not imagine how that would affect me! There has never been a time when I didn’t have smooth feet or pink cheeks! Imagine! I learned just recently that these were signs of fibromyalgia. I can’t believe I never noticed how pink and smooth my palms are before this.

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06/18/2022
Sara Corning: A Brave Humanitarian Nurse

“She learned to Serve Others”, the headstone of Sara Corning

My dear Readers:

Now it has been 11 years of writing almost monthly blogs about fibromyalgia and attending to the stories about people who are ultra-sensitive, highly empathetic, anxious, unable to tolerate the pain of others, and have developed an overactive central nervous system which is known as fibromyalgia. I am today taking another route at the beginning of this lovely month of June.

Unlike Florence Nightingale who came back with her heavy lamp from the Crimea and collapsed with fibromyalgia, I am writing today about another kind of nurse, one who was every bit as brave as Florence Nightingale and survived until the ripe old age of 97, in her home town of Yarmouth, Nova Scotia. She was the marvelous Sara Corning. It is unlikely she suffered from fibromyalgia so the question you might ask is about the contrast between the two.

I don’t have an answer to that question, but what I do know is that nurses have heavy burdens to bear and never more so than those who faced devastation caused by wars and massacres. Like military personnel who return from wars, some develop post–traumatic stress disorder (aka fibromyalgia), while others can carry on their lives in a more usual manner.

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Now to the purpose of this blog today. As you know from previous writings, I blame my highly sensitive nervous system on childhood trauma and in particular the experiences I had as a student nurse in the mid to late 1950s. During those days we were used as a source of free labor to staff hospitals, often without any days off for three years, working for 12 hours shifts with a great deal of responsibility, ill-trained, learning through an apprenticeship system.

It was not just in small-town hospitals in Nova Scotia, but generally throughout Canada, the US, and other parts of the world. We were exploited and did not have within us the knowledge or experience to rebel, after all, we were but teenagers. Wanting to record those experiences of student nursing days, I began interviewing in a conversational way, women who had been student nurses up until the 1960s when the times began to change. The oral histories I had with women who had been nursing in the 1920s and 1930s are stored in the Nova Scotia Archives and I thought I was done with recording nursing history.

Now, in my old age, as a time to reminisce, I look back at the trauma inflicted upon me and my classmates, and once again decided to speak with women of my vintage about their experiences. The result is the book whose cover I shall show you. I have just received the copies fresh off the press, published by GlenMargaret Publishing, Nova Scotia.

So, where does this tie into Sara Corning you might ask? Well, for the first reason, she, like me was from Yarmouth, Nova Scotia. Secondly, we were both nurses. Finally, as a social activist all my life I deplored violence, massacres, genocide, exploitation, and social injustice. Therefore, in order to pay back society as a result of the privileges I have had as a nurse, I decided that I would donate the proceeds to the Sara Corning Society in Yarmouth so that her story would never be lost in that small town.

A statue will be relatively soon erected, a street already named for her, perhaps a scholarship for a student nurse, a bench…the ways are numerous. As statues of unsavory men are being torn down, what better way to honor women, and nurses than through statues? But even more so the Sara Corning Centre for Genocide Education in Toronto whose work is far-reaching will have an impact on future generations Please go to their website and read more about her.

As I write I know that there are many readers who are nurses and whose lives are filled with pain from the sights they have seen, the exhaustion that can be overwhelming, and the death and despair they see on a daily basis. Yet, they persevere as did Sara Corning. It isn’t a book about Sara but about others who came after her, nurses everywhere who devote their lives, perhaps not as dramatically as she did, but are heroines nonetheless.

SARA CORNING

(Synopsis inside the book cover)

It was in 1919 that this remarkable humanitarian nurse departed for the Near East, where she helped to rescue and care for thousands of orphans, victims of the 1915-1923 Armenian genocide and Greek massacres, including during the Greek-Turkish forced populations exchange of 1923.

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06/17/2022
The twins: Fibromyalgia/ PTSD
“After a traumatic experience, the human system of self-preservation seems to go onto permanent alert, as if the danger might return at any moment”, Judith Lewis Herman

In my book almost a decade ago, I wrote about Gulf War syndrome and the similarities between this condition and fibromyalgia. From the terms ‘shell shock’ and ‘Gulf War syndrome’ has emerged the contemporary ‘Post–Traumatic Stress Disorder’ label. We have now landed firmly on the relationship between these three conditions and fibromyalgia.

Years and years of studying and researching the topic of fibromyalgia have convinced me that PTSD and fibromyalgia are the same things. There I’ve said it! And, finally, others are saying it too. What do all those terms share in common? How is it that PTSD and fibromyalgia are twined? Wars, abuse, crises, and trauma of many sorts take their toll on us all, but it is the highly sensitive person whose psyche becomes over-burdened. Here are the ways in which the two conditions match:

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Sleep: Insomnia is insidious, silent, and invisible. Worse still are night terrors and dreams that rob peace of mind and wear one down. Not only do physical ailments develop from unrestful sleep, but also emotional problems develop. Things that seem bearable somewhat during the day become unbearable in the dark. Sleep deprivation and other disturbances are common.

Anxiety: Often gripped with the feeling of dread but cannot tell why. There is a constant merry-go-round of fearful thoughts in the brain. Looking constantly for anticipated trouble. A neurotic terror of the unknown is a frequent companion. The world is seen in black and white. The anxiety levels rise to panic. Change is not well tolerated.

Lack of contentment: Achieving even little contentment and peace is a struggle. Living in the moment is difficult as there is the anticipation of the possibility that danger lurks around the corner. Living with tension and fear of the future while remembering the past is common.

Lack of resilience: Easily startled, frightened even when not in a dangerous situation. Flashbacks in terms of smells, sights, and sounds from shocking, scary, or crises once experienced. Negative thoughts about oneself result in being hard on self and mired in depressive thoughts.

Along with these emotional reactions, there are the physical ailments that accompany the emotional ones. Pain, fatigue, abdominal upsets, lack of energy, sensitivity to sounds, smells, frightening sights, uncontrollable itching, tingling of limbs, and a myriad of other symptoms are what PTSD and fibromyalgia have in common to a lesser or higher degree.
- Each person is unique and may or may not share all of these emotional and physical symptoms but the similarities can no longer go unheeded.
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06/16/2022
Fibromyalgia After Hip Surgery: A slow process

” Patience is a conquering virtue”, Geoffrey Chaucer

So, the hip replacement happened almost three weeks ago. I had hoped that when I took my first step post-operatively I would not have pain. So many people told me that would happen. I should have known better. Of course, there is still pain. It is too soon for me to know the nature of it. Is it fibromyalgia? The scar? The hip itself? I thought I was the expert of my own body but it has now had an assault of a different nature. I believe I will have a handle on it in a few more weeks. For now, I am trying to live every day in a slower manner. At first, I rushed through walking, stopped using the walker too soon, and developed shin splints. It is my misfortune I am not patient and calm. I have learned even more about this highly motivated personality of mine. Are all of us with fibromyalgia this energetic type who suffers because we rush through life?

It is a beautiful summer day with a slight breeze. Time to heal.

I will write more in a few weeks, for now, breathe and slow down…

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06/15/2022
Fibromyalgia: The body holding on to past trauma

“The traumatic moment becomes encoded in an abnormal form of memory, which breaks spontaneously into consciousness, both as flashbacks during waking states and as traumatic nightmares during sleep”, Judith Lewis Herman

Trapped in our psyche, past traumas wind themselves into the body and present as a multitude of physical symptoms. Pain, extreme crushing fatigue, intestinal difficulties, severe itching, rashes, tingling of limbs- the list seems endless. We seem not able to control our anxiety about when or which kind of bodily experiences will be next. We are constantly on guard, judging past and possible future symptoms… was this pain the same a few minutes ago? Will it become worse? If I do this or that will it harm me? What is this new symptom about?

I realize that hurt does not mean harm, but my brain does not seem to register that fact. My central nervous system is always on alert. The term ‘central sensitization’ is now a term used more happily (or less dubiously at least) by physicians and other health care workers, so I rarely use the stigmatized word of fibromyalgia anymore.

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I believe it is PTSD, but I don’t mention that either. I can reflect upon my childhood and young adult life and pinpoint the traumas that etched themselves in my central nervous system. I wish the neuroscientists would ask for fibromyalgia volunteers for their PET scans and fMRIs. I would love to see these images of my brain. I know how many major traumas have affected my mind/body.

This book has become my source of hope and courage. I urge my readers to read Dr. Van Der Kolk’s book from cover to cover. It is only through at least a cursory understanding of the neuroscience of the brain that we can get a handle on the stored memories of pain that are reactivated with a fibromyalgia flare-up, or the nagging constant symptoms that have become chronic. One of my favorite lines in the book discusses ways to regulate our own physiology:” breathing, moving, and touching”, themes I have been advocating throughout these blogs. It is about letting go, which isn’t easy.

Bessel Van Der Kolk’s thesis is that after the trauma we are left with a different nervous system and we are trying to control our inner turmoil. He writes: “These attempts to maintain control over unbearable physiological reactions can result in a whole range of physical symptoms, including fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, and other autoimmune diseases”.

Dr. Van Der Kolk has introduced the diagnosis of Developmental Trauma Disorder in the Appendix of his book. It is a useful guide for those of us who are hypervigilant, highly sensitive, inundated with unpleasant bodily sensations, fearful, and yet willing to change the brain and “befriend the body”. He writes “Being frightened means that you live in a body that is always on guard”. That defines fibromyalgia.

We can begin to reconnect with ourselves; it isn’t a hopeless scenario. We can begin with Talk Therapy but then progress to Mindfulness Meditation, yoga, mild exercise, and touching or being touched in a gentle non-threatening way. These are the ways to begin healing.

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06/14/2022
Fibromyalgia and Neuropathic Pain

“Pain is real when you get other people to believe in it”, Naomi Wolf

As I have frequently written there are two kinds of pain: nociceptive and neuropathic. Those of us with fibromyalgia suffer from the latter. It is the most difficult to live with as it is long-term damage to the nervous system that has become chronic. It cannot be treated with opioids long-term as it only gives temporary relief. Many find some degree of effectiveness with Gabapentin ( I do) or Pregabalin.

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So many readers write off their pain challenges, often resorting to opioids which result in addictions. However, nociceptive pain such as I had recently from a hip replacement does produce relief from such medications. Burns, operations, and broken limbs, usually all of a temporary nature, are examples of this type of pain. But, I quickly found that my highly sensitive pain receptors as a result of sensitization of the Central Nervous System rebelled and did not tolerate the morphine I was prescribed after surgery. Nausea was the side effect I suffered from, resulting in switching quickly to Tylenol. The pain from the scar has ended. This was nociceptive pain.

So, what are we to do with the other kind of pain? Neuropathic pain is complicated. Opioids are not the answer. While I keep advocating mild exercise as one form of self-help, sometimes more strenuous activity is warranted. Many of us can hardly tolerate any exercise at all, mild or vigorous. Strenuous activity usually brings about fibro flare–ups ( I found this out with increasing activity/ stretching following surgery in order to help with walking and avoiding limping).

Now I am in a quandary as to how much to do without increasing my pain level. My brain keeps me traveling down that same old pain neural pathway. Training the brain is not an easy task, but there is little option. Mindfulness meditation, walking in spite of the pain, and exercise biking are my strategies, and an understanding physiotherapist who tells me I expect too much of myself. I remind myself that is the bane of our existence, all of us with this dis-ease called central sensitization (fibromyalgia)… are too hard on ourselves.

I cannot overstate how complex daily living becomes for those of us with neuropathic pain. We have to be kind to ourselves and recognize that while this is a permanent condition, self-compassion is key to our quality of life.

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06/13/2022
Fibromyalgia and Happiness

“People are made happy by one thing and one thing only-pleasant sensations in their bodies”, Yuval Noah Harari

What is happiness? Sometimes I think I have been seeking it my entire life and it still often eludes me. I want to be happy. I have worked at it. I meditate, have done yoga and chi-gong, I even have colored in books (the newest craze), made quilts, and listened to joyful music, all said to enhance creativity which is thought to be integral to being happy.

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When I was young and religious I prayed. It made me fearful, not happy. I have looked at amazing skies, October foliage, and a calm lake and enjoyed their beauty, but I do not often experience the peacefulness that happiness is said to bring. Is the feeling of being at peace the same as feeling happy? Some happiness experts say that if you smile often enough it will entice your brain to believe you are happy. I smile often when around others and many would consider me happy. Maybe, then, I do experience happiness, which differs from peacefulness. Perhaps it is so fleeting that it escapes my attention?

We all bear our scars. I have a close family member who has Multiple Sclerosis, is engaged in life, has fun-filled outings with friends, and is an upbeat, self-defined happy person. She does not lament about her lot in life but is able to find joy in her everyday activities in spite of living in a wheelchair. Has she been programmed in such a way that she can overcome difficulties that overwhelm others to the point of despair? She does have a strong support system of friends. Is that her secret? Or, is it that keeping busy prevents her from dwelling on her disabilities?

Dr. Edward Diener the psychologist known as “Dr. Happiness” has the view that those who have a strong support system of family and friends are the people who report being the happiest. However, Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky found that processes of social comparison, self-evaluation, and personal perception as well as genetics and circumstances comprise the gamut of happiness. Conversely, Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihaly, a psychologist, suggests that people need to find difficult activities they can do and do them more often, that is, doing meaningful work and keeping busy. It can be seen that the happiness experts vary in their suggestions as to what compromises or enhances happiness.

I have a wonderful support system of friends and family, and a loving spouse. There are many enjoyable moments, but is that happiness? I have anxious days and nights, filled with pain and low energy, with worry about my abilities and perhaps loss of independence. One suggestion I read about was to change the ways in which one walks, that is, to take purposive long strides, swinging one’s arms.

I can’t do this as my walking is difficult and painful, particularly following a hip replacement four months ago, and especially when I try to take long steps. As a short person, I have never walked that way. So? I should walk in a way that is awkward for me and smile often even when in pain from fibromyalgia and then I will be happier?

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I am still confused about whether or not feeling peaceful is the same as being happy? Is happiness just a temporary state that which one can measure how much happiness s/he has in a day? Does the weather and time of year affect one as dramatically as some suggest?

This is an extraordinarily beautiful time of year where I live, but it will soon be grey November, a time when there is so much darkness and which is, for me, a sad time. Am I then living in the future and not enjoying the moment? October is a wonderful month. The weather is cooler, the trees are turning magnificent colors, it is Thanksgiving (for Canadians) as it is harvest time, plus the air is fresh. It is a time for reflection and hunkering down for the dismal November month with bare trees and cold harsh winter (not so for my Australian and New Zealand friends!).

Is it my fault I don’t consider myself an unusually happy person? Was it the past trauma I experienced or is it genetic? I have been reading a most extraordinary book by the historian Yuval Noah Harari Sapiens (2014). He writes:

“There’s no natural selection for happiness as such- a happy hermit’s genetic line will go extinct as the genes of a pair of anxious parents get carried on to the next generation”.

Well, as I end these musings today and watch the waning of lovely October, I realize I had both: a pair of anxious parents, and a great deal of past trauma. Together these two nature and nurture traits have produced me with a highly sensitive nervous system- this “central sensitization” which produces anxiety and difficulty with living in the present.

I will keep on with mindfulness meditation (although I know that MM is not intended to bring happiness but to pay attention, on purpose, to our thoughts and to live in the moment) and walk as much as I can, and even more importantly I will do the things that bring me happiness in spite of the challenges. Either way, I will have the pain so why not combine with those activities which are joyful? After all, happiness is fleeting and varies from minute to minute.

“evolution has molded us to be neither too miserable nor too happy, It enables us to enjoy a momentary rush of pleasant sensations, but these never last forever. Sooner or later they subside and give place to unpleasant sensations”.

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06/12/2022